#GOSH MAKING MYSELF CRY FDKNGFDSLFKH LKHG

[mythvoiced]

kazuki, have u ever thought of having children??? hae u ever... thought about being a dad? 🤔 how do u feel when you think of being a dad?

@astremourante | me rn

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"Don't you have literally anything better to do."

A cloud of smoke blocks the path from his eyes to the ceiling. The cord hanging from the lamp there is a fine irrelevant chain. It's a relatively old house, kept in relatively perfect shape. It has all the traits of a mansion: spacious, the wood is a rich dark colour, every door slides perfectly, every plant seems to mean something, every corner and corridor almost designed to make sure you grow smaller and smaller with each step, while the person guiding you deeper grows bigger and bigger.

You glance out at the internal garden and it's perfect.

And you feel like a bird trapped in a cage large enough to grant you movement, but never large enough for your wings to ache with the effort of reaching the sky.

Back and forth in two swings.

Birds are so fast.

You're so trapped.

Kazuki has never idealized nor romanticized the concept of fatherhood. He believes in the phrase 'everyone can be a father, not everyone can be a dad'.

The word 'dad' is silly and childish to him, suited to a boy of an age that barely reaches his knee, not for a man like him.

His father is father, if they're both feeling a little lazy, a little loose. It's about hierarchy and position and impression and perspective. Calling him by his title, even better, head of it all, the mastermind to have made an art out of the plight of others, like so many before him.

But... how many after him?

Kazuki blinks, slow and unfocused. Something is playing softly in the background. He saved an old radio from somewhere once, it's charming, it's in good shape, and the signs of age it does bear only add to its beauty.

He doesn't even like Matsubara Miki, he lies.

He's never thought about being a father, he lies.

"I'd want to do better," she's too cheerful for his mood, but perhaps the genre of her music dictates it. Hasn't this become a hit overseas in recent years? From Japan's 80s to the US' 2020s. Time is an odd thing.

"I'd want to do better... but I don't know what that means," his voice but barely louder than a drunken mumble.

"I wonder if my father ever thought of being a dad... if he ever thought of having children the way people normally think of having children," there's something almost poetic about how mundane it all feels. He could be in a small apartment in the belly of a large city, look outside and watch the skyline paint it a beauty far into the center where rich people live and move and thrive.

Listen to a train stop and go, not being able to see who's laughing down below the balcony, watch red and pale lights fade as cars move in and out of streets.

He could be standing out on that balcony, smoking his cigarette there, arms on the railing, warm and summery, wondering how much longer 'til the rain season begins, and then feel a tug at his leg.

The real Kazuki smiles, angry and small.

"If it made him happy... I probably wouldn't have any, if it made my father happy for me to have some," open defiance, a rarity.

He looks down in his daydream, and a child smiles back up at him.

She has a wicked little glint in her eyes, she's so much smarter than he'll ever be. Of course she will be, she's so much better than he'll ever be, and that's what being a parent should feel like, knowing you're nothing in contrast to the sight of your child smiling. You're just a vessel for their safety and you want to get it right and you don't deserve it.

Her lips widen into a mischievous grin.

When Kazuki notices who she resembles he sits up, grabs the radio, and Matsubara Miki can only manage to ask you one last time to stay with her, knocking on midnight's door, before her voice disappears in the shattering of components and the silence of a bad man's rage.

Kazuki is a bad man.

"No one like me should have children," he breathes at the wall he's now staring at.

"I have better things to do."